Love Is all We Need
by Arwyn89
Summary: Emma has had a roller coaster of a year but she finally has found some stability with her dream job on Glee. But how long can her happiness truly last for? Darren Criss, Glee, Jonas Brothers, OC
1. Don't You Forget About Me

So this is a sequal from my story "They Are Not You", which can be found here:

Fan Fiction .net/s/5567010/52/ (remove the spaces)

although I will try and make this story a stand alone as much as possible. I started a new story as the general consensus was that it felt like a good place to begin again. This story is more of a "real life" one, with an original character. I hope you enjoy this story.

Arwyn89

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><p><span>Don't You Forget About Me<span>

I spotted him across the room before he saw me. I was surprised to say the least. These sort of functions were never usually his thing. He looked good, better than the last time I had saw him - almost 3 months ago. It was strange to think that this was the person I had spent almost every day with for 4 months.

Well that was until he cheated on me and I ended things. He spotted me across the room and turned to the woman he was standing next to, wrapping his arm gently around her waist. I knew that move well - the power play to gain all her attention and manoeuvre her where he wanted. Not that I was bitter or anything.

They walked away from their group straight towards me and my gut instinct was to run and hide. Self preservation and all that. But it wasn't the first time I had seen him since the split and it would likely not be the last since I was still managed by the Jonas Group. But I had become a master at arranging my schedule so I never had to see him more than once every few months.

I eyed the tall blonde he had brought over warily, not sure how she would react to me. But she smiled cautiously and seemed pleasant enough - an improvement from the last at least.

"Hello Emma, how are you?", he asked more awkwardly than I would have expected.

I smiled - or something as close to a smile as I could get. "I'm good Nick, you?". He smiled and nodded before turning to his date.

"Delta, this is Emma, my - my old friend". Old? Please this woman was at least 10 years his senior and he was calling me old? I smiled and offered my hand, choking back the bitterness.

"How's things going?", he asked, firmly taking hold of Deltas hand which I had just dropped.

I shrugged, "Keeping busy, can't complain". Delta smiled at me.

"I love Glee!", she exclaimed at me. I smiled. I had barely been on the show for a month but was loving every second of it.

"So do I", I said laughing slightly.

This was then followed by an awkward pause in which nobody really knew what to say. I was rapidly trying to think of excuses in my head but they all seemed to allude me. I decided it would just be easier to turn and walk away when I felt someone wrap their arm around my waist. "Sweetheart, there you are", the person said and I turned around quickly to find my saviour.

Of course it would have been Darren. My heart skipped a beat at the thought of his arm wrapped around me. "Hey", I said as he leaned over and kissed my cheek.

We weren't dating. He had been a really good friend to me in work but outside work we had barely interacted with each other. "I'm sorry, but could I steal Emma away for a second", he asked without waiting for the reply. I walked away with him, never been more happy to escape someone's company.

"I've never actually seen a rabbit paralysed by headlights but I imagine it would look something similar to how you did just now", he smiled down at me.

"Thank you", I turned to look at him. "That was about as comfortable as it looked". I glanced back over at the couple who were now animatedly chatting and couldn't help the pang of jealousy.

"An ex?", he guessed correctly. I nodded and tried to put it to the back of my mind, concentrating on the group I was with now instead. I did still feel a little bit of an outsider - although it was nothing to how a group of people can make you feel after your break up with a guy they'd all kill to date.

I grabbed another drink and sat down, wanting nothing more than to run away. It was something I had become extremely accomplished at. After tour ended and with it most friendships I had made, I took off to Atlanta to work on a show for a few months. After that I spent a month at home. Then there was the two months I spent travelling Europe. And then I worked my ass off to get the part in Glee. Now I was back in LA, in my home that was still down the street from Nick. Although I heard that he had moved out now. I didn't ask him or Momma J, feeling it was no longer any of my business.

The only person I still had any real contact with was Demi. She had been. Through a fair amount on her own lately. But she was home and healing and I was grateful for it. I spent most of my free time with her now, opting for movie nights or meals instead of the club scene we had hit in South America. I spent a considerable amount of time with her in Chicago while she was in therapy. The city brought back some less than pleasant memories but supporting my friend was more important. I found some irony that we ended up back where all the problems started.

I didn't hear Darren walk up behind me and jumped when he placed his had on my lower back. I turned towards him as he asked if I was OK.

"Get me out of here and get me drunk", was my reply. He smiled, shook his head and walked away. I debated slumping my head on the table and attempting to sleep but I wasn't really sure it would be dignified enough for a party such as this. I suddenly missed my friends acutely. Not my Hollywood ones. My back home friends. The ones who would take the piss, hand me another drink and tell me to man up, instead of letting me sink further into this pity party I had begun for myself. I was the one who broke up with him, I reminded myself.

I got up from the table and decided enough was enough for one night. I was going to go get my coat and leave. I'd rather be curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself than sit here watching them. I squeezed myself out from the table, turned and walked straight into Darren. "You ready to go?", he asked, handing me my coat.

"Where are we going?", I said confused, turning around as he helped my into my coat.

"To get you drunk", he smiled.


	2. You, Me & the Bottle Makes Three Tonight

**You, Me and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight**

We ended up in a small bar I had heard Darren talk about before. It wasn't exactly a dive but it was hardly the normal places my agent was glad to have me spotted at.

We had hardly been there 20 minutes when Darren flagged down a few guys who just walked into the bar. "Is that...?", I started, watching them walk over to our table.

"Re-enforcement's", he said, winking at me. I tried not to stare as they sat down with us. It was very rarely I actually got star struck nowadays, but with them I couldn't help it.

"Emma these are my friends, Nick Lang, Brian Holden and Joey Richter". I mumbled something non de-script as a hello and took another drink from the beer bottle I had in my hands. I knew who they were. I had never told Darren about it. It wasn't really something you could start a conversation with and after a while it just felt too weird to bring it up.

Of course he had talked about his friends before but in such a way that I really shouldn't have known as much about them as I did. Stupid fan-girl moments.

"Emma, its so nice to finally meet you. Darren has talked about you a lot", Brian said to me. I was sober enough to catch the look between him and Darren but drunk enough to not dwell on it. I had enough men problems of my own to consider taking on inside jokes between old friends.

They were good company to have on a night where you wanted to be distracted. They all seemed happy to tell each others most embarrassing stories from college and I was more than happy to sit and listen to them. I even forgot how over dressed I was, sitting in a black floor length dress.

I was up at the bar - assisted by Nick because apparently I didn't look like I would be able to carry the drink back over to the table. "I'm Scottish, we don't waste alcohol", I replied as I fell out of my chair.

While the bar tender got our drinks, Nick chatted away to me, asking about work and the tour I went on the previous summer. "I actually saw A Very Potter Sequel while we were rehearsing in Chicago", I blurted out. I waited for a big reaction but it never came. The only noticeable difference was Nicks eyes widened slightly.

"Really? Darren never mentioned it", he said in far too casual a tone.

"That's probably because I've never told him", I turned back to the bar, watching them assemble our drinks.

"Hmm", was Nicks reply. I tried not to look round at him, worried about how he now viewed me. After a few moments he asked, "have you seen Starship?". I couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah. My friend was recently taking a break in Chicago when Starship was on. I actually managed to get tickets for it". Our drinks were placed on the bar and I lifted two of them, Nick the other two.

"Your friend. That wouldn't be Demi Lovato, would it?". I felt a wall close up around me as it always did when I was protecting my friends.

"Yeah it is", I said in a tone that was very defensive. He never asked anything else about it.

Demi had been through a lot this past year and I had been there for her almost every minute of it. I virtually moved to Chicago while she was receiving treatment up there. It was mostly because she had become my best friend while we toured together. But there was still a small part of me that felt guilty that I didn't realise what she was going through because I was so wrapped up in my own break up problems. Even though she told me over the years she had become an expert at hiding it, I still should have realised something was wrong.

And here I was, hiding away in some bar because I was too afraid to confront any feelings I may or may not still have for _him_. I made a conscious effort to move him out of my thoughts and concentrate on the company I was with now. I slid back into the booth next to Darren feeling a lot better than when I had first come here. I even went as far as singing some karaoke - quite badly mind you, I was pretty far gone after my fifth beer. I hadn't drank this much in a very long time.

We stayed until closing time - well until the manager kicked us out, we were getting pretty loud - and headed outside to find a taxi. I started to mention going home but Brian cut me off. "Nope. You, young lady are coming with us", he said, pulling me towards the group.

"Where we going", I said stumbling over slightly, grabbing onto him.

"Were going to Darren's house to continue this night". I laughed a bit took a step forward and went over on my ankle again.

"For fucks sake!", I shouted, suddenly sounding very Scottish. I grabbed back onto Brian's arm and reached down, un-clipping my shoes. I tentatively lowered my foot to the ground feeling instant relief at no longer having to wear heels.

"Classy", Joey said to me as I looked up, carrying both shoes in one hand.

"Oh piss off", I said, grinning at him. This was another first for me in a long time, not having walked barefoot since I had been home over the Christmas vacation.

"Emma you can't walk like that, you'll cut your feet or something", Darren said, walking over to me.

"I'm fine! I've done this loads of times before", I said, swatting his hand away. He grinned at me then lunged forward. I screamed and made a run for it but my long dress was hindering my escape. He grabbed me around the waist and lifted me into his arms easily, keeping me there until we found a taxi. He put me down gently, waited until I was in then slid in next to me.

For the first time, my stomach reacted to Darren touching me. Darren was a great friend - had really been there. But for some reason, I just hadn't felt anything like that for him before. Which I guess was why I had grown close to him - talking to him was easy when you treated someone like a brother...or better, your gay best friend (not that I didn't have enough of those already). But right now all I could think about was the heat of his leg against mine and the tightening knots in my stomach.

Its just the drink, I told myself. It was screwing with my judgement. But at the same time I couldn't stop the butterflies as his arm wrapped around my shoulders, no matter how lightly he was touching me.

It was hot and stuffy in the cab with all of us tightly crammed in. I could feel myself dozing to sleep and wondered whether or not I should just ask to be dropped off at mine. That was the last thing I remembered before being lifted back out of the cab. I had curled my head into the crook of Darren's neck before conciseness dawned on me.

"So hard core, Emma", was Joey s sarcastic response to noticing I was awake. I struggled slightly and Darren let me down in his living room. I had been to his house a couple of times but never really inside. I tended to just hover about the door waiting for him to come out. It had a very unlived feeling to it - half his things were still in boxes, although I think that was due more to lack of time than anything. It felt like my first apartment.

I looked about curiously, fighting my want to sleep. I was still a bit unsteady on my feet but my mind felt sharp. I swayed, unsteady but eyed the couch warily. I knew if I sat down there was a very good chance I wouldn't get back up. I chose instead to use it as support, leaning against the back of it.

"You okay?", Darren said softly, his hand sliding across my lower back. I nodded almost certain that words would fail me right now. "Come on", he said, leading me away from the room, his voice full of pity. Maybe he was just wishing he had dropped me off at home as well.

He looked back at me nervously as he opened a door. Why was he nervous? I wondered. It was a bedroom. His? Probably. It was the only room that felt like it had a personal touch to it, with photos hung on the wall and DVD's scattered on a media unit. "You can sleep there if you want", he indicated to the bed. I nodded, already feeling the sleep fighting to take over at the sight of a bed. I fiddled with my dress, wondering if I could get away with sleeping in my underwear. I didn't have a bra on and I had those lovely hold in your stomach panties on. Well, that was a sexy look.

"Here", Darren said, reaching into his dresser, handing me a t-shirt. He noticed everything. I didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. Hopefully all he noticed tonight was my inability to handle my drink and not...

"Could you unzip me?", I asked before realising the words had left my mouth. He stepped forward without hesitating, brushing my hair to one side. His fingers left a trail along my neck and I couldn't repress the shiver that ran down my back. His left hand rested on my shoulder as his right gripped the zipper, slowly pulling it down.

I clasped the top of the dress and looked up as an electric current of shock made its way through my body. There was a mirror on the far wall which I hadn't noticed before.

But now staring deep into Darren's eyes, that mirror was all I could think about. I struggled to pull my gaze away but managed it when I began to feel light headed. It was as if all the oxygen had been sucked from the room, burned away with the flame of desperation that consumed me as I pulled away from him.

Darren mumbled something that sounded like sorry and left me alone in the room. I breathed deeply, worried about what the hell had just happened. I would need to sort that tomorrow. I had done the whole "relationship with a co-worker" before and look how that had ended. I would nip this in the bud before it had a chance to even contemplate growing any more.

I slipped out of the dress and into the t-shirt that he had loaned me, smiling at how it was just big enough to pass as a nightgown and slid between the sheets. I was unconscious almost the second my head hit the pillow.


	3. Last Friday Night

Last Friday Night

The ringing of someone's phone brought me out of my near coma state. I felt someone move their arm from around my waist then a sudden draft at my back. "Hello?", the voice was groggy and I fought with the desire to curl back up to sleep. "Hey. No man we got home okay. Yes we. No, not like that". I tried to place the voice and the room but opening my eyes burned and trying to remember the night before hurt my head. All I could gather was that I probably had drunk a lot. "Speak to you later". The person put their phone down and rolled back towards me, their arm wrapping back around my waist. I was going to have to figure out who this was sooner or later but I felt too close to death to give a shit, instead letting the urge to sleep take back over.

When I finally fully woke, I was in the bed alone and this time it was my phone that was ringing. I reached for it on the floor, the noise of it causing extreme discomfort in my head. "Hmm", was all I managed to get out, putting on the speaker phone as it was too much effort to hold it to my ear.

"And where the hell are you? I get up this morning and make you a lovely cup of coffee to wake you with, only to find that not only is your bed empty but it doesn't look as if you even came home last night!". I could place this voice easily, haven known it since I was 10 years old.

"Callum, piss off". I rolled over, letting my phone fall down beside my head.

"But seriously, where are you?", he asked with some genuine concern. I preyed my eyes open to look about the room but there was nothing familiar about the place.

"Um...", I couldn't think of anything else. "I'll get back to you on that", I told him.

"You're in Darren's bed!", a voice shouted from the other room.

"Oh, I've found people", I told Callum, "Call you back?", I said to him and ended the phone call.

Getting out of bed proved more of a challenge than I thought it would be. My legs were shaky and my stomach was under constant threat of giving up. I slowly and carefully walked through to the other room in search of the voice. I was glad that I found some familiar faces, never having been one for one night stands before, I was glad to find I hadn't started now.

Darren and Joey were sat together on the couch both wearing the same bemused expression as I entered the room. "How you feeling this morning?", Joey asked me. I just nodded, not quite having the vocabulary at hand to describe exactly how hungover I was.

I spotted a chair just across from them and made my way carefully towards it, curling up on it like a cat when I finally sat down. "Nice t-shirt", Joey said to me. I looked down to see I was wearing a blue top with bright yellow letters across it.

"Is this one of your Michigan tops?", I asked Darren.

"Um...yeah. You know you needed something to wear and it was the first thing I grabbed. I mean its just a t-shirt, you know". Darren was babbling. It wasn't unusual for him to go off on a tangent but I wasn't sure where this one was exactly going. I just smiled at him, half to shut him up, half because I wasn't sure what to say.

I lay dozing on and off before I decided I should probably head back to my house and the 1001 questions Callum no doubt had for me. "I should probably be going", I said to the guys, who had sat talking the whole time in hushed voices.

"You could at least take Darren to breakfast first. Gosh, he's not just some floozy you can spend the night with then dismiss when you're done with him", Joey grinned at me. I was unclear as to whether or not that was sarcasm. Normally I would just ignore it but Darren's refusal to meet my eyes made me pause.

"Do you want to go for breakfast?", I asked Darren softly. He looked up and for some reason I blushed when he met my eyes.

"I mean, only if you want to", was his reply.

"Good its settled then", Joey interjected, "You two can go for breakfast, have a lovely chat", he said throwing a look at Darren, "and you can drop me off on the way, because some of us have jobs to get to this lovely morning".

I nodded and walked back through to Darren's room feeling more confused than ever. Did something actually happen last night? I mean I know I was pretty drunk but I was sure I'd remember if we had...

"Are you okay?". I jumped at the sound of Darren's voice behind me.

"Um...sure. I just - I need clothes. I'm not sure I can get away with just this t-shirt at breakfast and wearing last nights dress is just such a cliché", I said trying to make like of the situation.

He went over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of sweat pants. "Good thing I'm short", he said handing me them. I forced a laugh, a notable tension still surrounding us. As short as he may be, I was still shorter and had to roll them a couple times at the waist band. I left him to get ready and went back out to sit with Joey, who still had a grin on his face.

"Oh, shut up", I said folding myself back into the chair.

After dropping Joey off, we headed to a small, relatively quiet café. Darren lead the way to a table near the back. A waitress made her way over to the table. "Hey, what can I get you guys?". I glanced over the menu.

"Just coffee", I said. Darren looked up.

"You sure?", he asked and I nodded. My stomach was in knots as it was. I was going to have a very awkward morning after conversation with him and food would only complicate the situation. Darren ordered - coffee and a muffin - and then we sat in silence.

It had never been this way with him before. It was usually easily, light banter. None of this heavy serious crap we had going on. I sighed and turned to look towards him to find him watching me. My eyes widened at the intensity of the stare.

"What are you thinking about?". He asked it so quietly, so gently. I was taken aback at the intimacy that suddenly surrounded us. I leaned back, away from him. It was too intense at this table but there was my opening.

"Last night...did...um. What happened?". My heart was pounding in my chest and I stared at my hands rather than him. I didn't think I could face looking at him. Not for the moment anyway.

"You mean at the bar?", he asked. I shook my head.

"No, after the bar. When we were - I mean, when. In your...just. After the bar", I stuttered. Dear God, just take me now, I thought, my face burning with embarrassment.

"Oh. Well you fell asleep in my bed. Then I slept next to you for a few hours. I mean, I wasn't sure if you minded or not, but Joey had the couch so I just thought...". I looked up to see Darren now looking away. Good, at least I wasn't the only one who was awkward here. But I had to be certain.

"So we didn't..?". He looked up and our eyes met for the first time since this horrid conversation had started.

"No. No we didn't". A strange sense of relief mixed with...disappointment? Washed over me. I couldn't pull away from his gaze and was glad when the waitress brought over his food, giving us both distractions.

I cradled my coffee, sipping it as slowly as possible to have to avoid saying anything. When there was nothing left, he got up from the table. "Ready?", he said, barely turning towards me and not waiting for a reply before he headed toward the door.

The car ride back to mine was silent. And awkward. And uncomfortable. I glanced over at Darren a couple of times but he kept his eyes firmly on the road. He stopped the car outside my house and I turned to thank him. "I'll walk you to your door", he said before I could even open my mouth, abruptly getting out of the car.

"Okay", I muttered under my breath and got out of the car. I fumbled with the keys to my house, hyper aware that Darren was stood behind me, watching every little move I made.

Finally I got the door open and turned again to thank him. He was still watching me. It was very unsettling.

"Well, thanks", I said to him. Darren hesitated for a moment before leaning in towards me. I barely had enough time to think 'Oh God, he's going to kiss me', before I was taking a step backwards into my house. He paused mid-lean, looking embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, I just...I thought - never mind", he said and turned, walking back to his car. I watched as he slid into the seat and stared as he was well out of the street. He never once looked back at me.

I turned after a few moments and walked into my house. When the door snapped shut, my room mate/ personal assistant/ best friend came out of the kitchen with a sly smile on his face. "Oh look, here comes the dirty little - hey what's wrong?". The laughter was replaced with lines of concern. I just looked at him and attempted to smile.

"Nothing. I'm fine, just a little bit sleepy". The look on his face told me he knew I was lying but he let it drop. I would tell him eventually - we both knew that - I just needed a moment to process it first.

I walked up to my room, wondering if I should call Darren. I mean it was a pretty uncomfortable way to leave things. And we were having to work together next week. The longer I left it the harder it would be to talk about it.

I sighed and fished my cell phone from my purse, searching for his number. I felt nervous as it began to ring but that quickly faded into impatience as he didn't pick up his phone. Maybe he was still driving? I let it go to voice mail but decided not to leave a message.

I threw my phone to the bottom of my bed and curled up waiting for the blissful ignorance that sleep would bring.


	4. Been A Long Day

**Been A Long Day**

When I woke up, it was late afternoon. I searched around for my phone, finding it underneath the sheets. I was bleary eyed as I tried to take in the glaring screen. No messages, no missed calls. I sighed and threw the phone away again, flopping back down on my bed. I reached for the remote and flicked the TV on, settling for some Big Bang Theory. The only good thing about summer television was the repeats. I could catch up on everything before regular scheduling resumed in the fall.

I was torn between getting up and getting a shower or going to raid the kitchen for food. I mean, I looked like crap but I was still pretty hungry. The decision, however, was taken out of my hands when Callum knocked on my door. "I have food", he said handing me a bacon roll and a cup of tea. He lay down on the bed next to me. "Soooo...how are you?". I turned to look at him.

"I've been better...I've been worse". I continued to stare at the TV not sure I was ready to talk about everything that had happened.

"Is that as specific as you're going to get?". I turned to him.

"What exactly would you like me to be more specific about?".

"Well I don't know, I guess you could start with how you woke up in quite possibly the best looking guy I have ever met's bed and how you still managed to come in looking like someone just killed someone you love". I went back to looking at the TV.

"Oh, that". I paused, choosing my words carefully. "Nick was there last night".

"Shit. Yeah I guess that'll do it". I put my plate on the bedside unit. I felt guilty not sharing everything with him but seeing Nick last night had been the root of the problem...so technically it wasn't a lie. It just wasn't the full truth.

"Aww sweetie, what are we going to do with you?", he asked, pulling me into a hug.

"I have no idea".

I crawled into what was quite possibly the longest shower I had ever had somewhere around 6 o'clock. The bathroom was so steamy when I got out I could barely see my hand in front of my face. I wrapped a towel round myself and walked back out into my bedroom. Someone was sitting on my bed.

"Hi", Darren said, avoiding eye contact. "I tried calling you but I didn't get an answer, so I came over. Your...room mate let me in". I was stunned for a moment. I crossed to my dresser to grab my dressing towel, making sure it was properly wrapped around me before letting the towel fall to my feet. I turned to him.

"So...", but I couldn't think of anything to say. This was the second conversation like this I was having with the same person in one day. I realised I was standing on the opposite side of the room with my arms crossed over my chest. Not a very inviting position. I walked over and sat next to him.

"You tried to kiss me", I said. It sounded so stupid but part of me still didn't believe it. I wanted some sort of confirmation and was satisfied when he nodded his head. "But you still have a girlfriend".

His head shot up and he frowned at me. "No, we broke up a month ago. The long distance thing it - it just wasn't working". He stared intently at me. "Do you really think I'd be the type of guy to cheat". I shrugged.

"You're human. We make mistakes in moments of weakness". Not that I couldn't despise you for those mistakes but that was another - very bitter - story. But Darren continued to frown.

"Is that the only reason you...that we didn't. I mean...", but he didn't seem to know what he meant. Either that or he didn't want to say it.

"No", I said after a moment, "I've done the whole dating at work thing and it didn't work out and I had to spend 3 weeks with a cheating scum bag of an ex when all I wanted to do was punch him in the face and leave. And trust me I wasn't the only one on that tour", I said making a light reference to Demi. She was my best friend but only I was allowed to make jokes like that. Anyone else, and I would seriously damage them.

We sat in awkward silence for a while. I glanced around my room finding it suddenly strange that Darren was in here. I couldn't remember ever having a guy in here. Well Callum but he didn't really count. I shivered slightly, not sure if it was from cold or nervousness.

"I should go", he said to me, somewhat reluctantly.

"Oh...okay then. I'll walk you down", I said getting off the bed.

"You don't have t-", he started but I cut him off and he followed me down the stairs. I looked for Callum on the way down but he was either out or making himself scarce. When I got to the door I turned to Darren.

"I don't want things to change between us", I said, speaking to the floor. Darren exhaled deeply.

"I think its a bit too late for that". His voice was filled with sadness.

"No its not", I said protesting, getting angry, "Why would it have to change? We're still friends, right?". He nodded, avoiding my eyes. I was feeling frustrated. I counted to ten in my head, trying not to let my annoyance show.

He made a move towards me and my heart jumped for a moment, wondering if he was going to try to kiss me again. But instead, he pulled me in for a hug. It was comfortable. I moved my face so my head was buried into his neck, before I realised what I had done. I pulled back and barely caught the look of curiosity on his face before I turned away, opening the door for him.

"See you later", He said and I just nodded. I watched him walk down my garden and get into his car. This time he looked back at me as he drove off. I started to wonder exactly what I had just gotten myself into.


	5. I Found A Boy

We both seemed to be making a conscious effort at work over the next few days to act normal around each other – so much so that after the first few days, it stopped being an act. I was happy around Darren – he was funny, smart and yeah he wasn't half bad to look at. It was nice, being back to where we were. Well mostly. Sometimes there was a moment – but it was made easier by the fact that we were rarely on set together, except for the choir scenes. I was on the phone with Selena, when Darren sat down at the table with me for lunch.

"No that's totally cool. Yeah, sure I understand that. No sweetie, don't worry about it. Speak to you soon. Bye". I hung up the phone and let my head fall to the table in sheer frustration, narrowly missing the plate of food in front of me.

"Everything okay?", Darren asked, laughing as he shovelled food into his mouth.

"Yes, every things amazing! Can't you just see I'm having the time of my life here?", I said, sarcastically mumbling from my position on the table.

"Who were you speaking to?".

"That was Selena. We were supposed to be going to a concert together tonight, but she just called to bail on me because her boyfriend is back in town", I said all too bitterly.

"Call Demi then?".

"Well", I started, exasperated, "I was supposed to be going with Demi originally but she had to pull out because her new album is coming out in a month and she still hasn't quite finished it yet. She's been virtually living in the studio the past few weeks".

"Who was it you were seeing?", Darren asked between mouth fulls of food. I had never seen anyone eat the way he could.

"Jack Mannequin, at the Roxy". Darren looked up.

"I'll go with you", he said, half hopeful.

I suddenly felt awkward. "Um...I'm not sure that's the best idea". The mood at the table changed in a moment. Bringing up what had happened between us had been an unwritten rule. Darren looked almost angry.

"Emma, its just a concert". _Yeah and date is just a word,_ I thought to myself. "Come on, it'll be fun", he said. If I was perfectly honest I'd rather go by myself than with him. He looked at me, his face seriously composed. "Just friends. Promise". I found myself nodding before I had thought it through. "Cool, pick you up at seven?", he asked, clearing his things away.

"Or we could just meet there?", I replied.

"Or I could just pick you up at seven?".

"Or we could just meet there?".

"We've been here before".

"I recognise that tree". We both stared at each other until we finally cracked up. He grabbed his foam plate and threw it in the trash as he walked away.

"Pick you up at seven", he shouted over to me. I gave up seeing it as a lost cause. #

I paced my living room nervously, looking at the clock every 3 minutes. It was five to seven and I was eagerly anticipating Darren's arrival...or dreading it. I wasn't quite sure yet.

"Why don't you just sit down?", Callum said from his spot on the couch. I just threw him a look. I didn't think I'd be able to sit down. "You know...for someone who had told me repeatedly that this isn't a date – you sure seem nervous". I glared at him.

Callum had been teasing me all night. He sat with me while I tried on almost all my clothes, suggesting that while on my date with Darren I should suggest that we fix Callum up with Chris. I responded by launching my hairbrush at him.

The doorbell rung and I froze in place. Callum glanced over at me. "Its open", he shouted. There was a pause before Darren opened the door. "Hey man", Callum said. I was still trying to reconnect my brain to my body.

"Hi Callum, nice to see you again. Emma – you look beautiful". I searched his face for the sarcasm but saw nothing but a genuine smile. That made it worse. I mumbled a thanks and went to grab my purse, suddenly feeling pissed off and I wasn't sure why. I headed towards the door – towards Darren – and could only half muster a glare when Callum reminded us to behave ourselves tonight.

Darren walked a few steps in front of me, getting to the car and opening the door for me. It just irritated me. He knew how I felt, yet now he was purposely flaunting it? It was cruel and unnecessary. I slid into the car, avoiding eye contact, avoiding any kind of contact. I was in a bad mood and if I was perfectly honest, I had no idea why. He slid in the other side and we pulled away and I stared determinedly out of the window.

He flicked the radio on and it filled the silent and obviously tension filled car. I drummed my fingers on the car door handle. I saw Darren glance at me a few times but kept my gaze firmly towards the window. "Hey, Em, you okay?", he asked softly. I shrugged.

"Fine", I said to the window, my tone flat.

"Would you rather we listened to something else?". I just shrugged again. It happened so quickly I barely had time to hide the surprise from my face. Darren pulled the car onto the side of the street and killed the engine. The car was silent once again. "Have I done something to piss you off?", he said, concern making his voice raise a few notches. I stared at the window. _You called me beautiful_. I didn't say anything or make a movement.

"Did I offend you in some way?". Well that was definitely some sarcasm there. "Emma, God damn it, look at me!", he shouted. His anger filled the car, echoing in my ears. I felt my face flush – I'd made him angry at me. I turned to face him and saw the anger had gone almost as quickly as it had come.

"What is wrong?", he asked again but with a firmness in his voice.

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong", I said breathing deeply. _Well nothing except the question of my sanity._ Darren was quiet for a moment.

"Can we just start this night over then?". I looked at him and smiled, nodding slightly. I was too ashamed to say anything. What on earth _was_ wrong with me?

Darren started the car back up and continued onto the venue. I didn't know what to say to him so just sort of nodded awkwardly as he spoke to me. At least I was paying attention this time.

Darren found a parking space not too far from the venue and we got out and walked the rest of the way. It was a nice night – as it so frequently was in LA – but tonight felt different. The air had a sweet quality to it that I never noticed before. Usually it just smelled like traffic. I walked close to Darren, listening again as he talked but stuffed my hands into my jeans pockets. Just in case.

We joined the queue with every one else. I heard a few whispers debating whether or not that was in fact Darren Criss but no one approached us. I was grateful. For some reason I was quite nervous about being spotted with him. I'd been a girlfriend before and remembered distinctly what the reactions were when it broke I was dating a Jonas. I had to stay off twitter for over a week – the responses were horrible. I couldn't imagine what they would have been like if I was spotted here tonight.

We got in and I headed into the crowd to get a good spot. "I'm going to get a drink", Darren shouted to me over the noise of the hall. I couldn't help but tense up as his arm wrapped around the small of my back. I watched him as he walked away. Something about him – he couldn't but help command your attention. And not in a Nick way either. Nick demanded it – Darren...just had it.

I looked around the hall as more people made their way in – it was going to be packed tonight. I pulled out my phone, not enjoying standing on my own, looking like a twat. "Hows the date going?", read a text from Callum.

I typed, "Fuck off", and hit send. I knew he was just doing it to wind me up, but it still bothered me.

I shrieked slightly as something cold hit my neck. I reached up and found Darren's hand. I turned quickly, still holding the hand at my neck. "I got you some water", he said nodding to the bottle in his hand. I quickly dropped his and and accepted the bottle, turning my back to him and gulping down the water so I wouldn't have to say anything, trying to block the smile that had spread across his face, or how rapidly my heart was suddenly beating.

The lights dimmed as the opening act came on and I tried to ignore Darren and got into the music – which was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. There was something about seeing a band live that made you forget the rest of the world existed.

The three hours passed quicker than I thought they would and all too soon we were stepping back outside into considerably cooler air. I could feel my hair sticking to my face and wondered exactly how red my face looked. But I felt better, more relaxed. I even smiled this time as Darren held the car door open for me. It was some sort of progress. "Enjoy it then?", he asked as he slid into the car.

"Ahh I loved it!", I exclaimed and launched into a play by play of how great every song they had sung was. This time it was Darren who was quiet and watched me while I talked. "I'm starving now though. I think I'll order a pizza or something when I get home". Darren slowed the car slightly.

"We could always go for something to eat now if you want?". He didn't look at me this time and I realised it was because he was waiting for me to freak out. I just smiled.

"Sounds good. Got anywhere in mind?". I almost laughed at the look of surprise on his face but managed to hold it in – barely.

We decided just to go for junk food, pulling into the nearest drive-thru and grabbing burgers and fries. Darren passed the bags to me, piling it up on my lap and he drove off. I assumed he would just pull into the packing lot, so was surprised when he pulled back out onto the road. "Where we going?", I said stealing some fries from the bag.

"You'll see. And stop eating without me!", he said trying to grab the bags back off me. I responded by shoving some fries in his mouth. "Thanks", he said between bites. I shrugged.

"Its okay – it was your fries I was eating anyway". The sound of his laughter filled the car. It was a nice change from the yelling earlier.

After about 20 minutes he pulled into a deserted packing lot. "The beach?", I asked, my voice full of scepticism. "Come on", he said kicking his shoes off in the car. He got out and walked around to my side, helping unbuckle my shoes as I still had all the food. The ground was warm under foot. Sometimes I really loved living in a hot place. We walked down to the beach, choosing a spot not too far from the water and divvied up the food, not really speaking as we ate. The water crashing over itself provided enough background noise. And I never really felt uncomfortable sitting in silence with Darren. As much as he liked to talk – and man did he like to talk – he was comfortable just not talking. I liked that. Too many people felt the need to fill every little silence as if afraid to just be left with their own thoughts.

After a while we finished eating and both lay back in the sand. We were far enough from the street lights that I could actually see the stars for a change. It felt as if we were miles away from the city, barely even able to hear the constant rumble of traffic that LA brought. "Do you miss home?", Darren asked suddenly. I turned my head to look at him, but he continued to stare at the stars.

"Yes", I answered honestly, "all the time. Sometimes more than others. But its always there. How much of my families, my friends lives I'm missing".

"Is that why Callum lives with you?". I watched him for a moment, cautious of how much I should answer.

"Yes and no". I sighed. "Callum broke up with his boyfriend not too long before he graduated. And it sucked. He was really in a low place. And I had not long ended things with Nick – just coming off tour and back from Chicago with Demi. Coming back to LA alone...it was hard. So I asked him if he wanted to come over with me. It gave him a break and it gave me a piece of home". I looked back at the stars. It had been pretty selfish of me really, asking Callum to come live with me because I didn't want to be alone. But he hadn't wanted to be at home, so it had all worked out in the end.

"What happens if he wants to move home? Then what?". I shrugged.

"Then he moves home". It had been on my mind, even if he had only been here 5 months. It was a long time to be away from home but he seemed settled enough. And I think he realised how much I needed him around. Like I said, selfish.

Darren went quiet again. "What about you? Ever feel lonely?", I asked. It was only fair after he grilled me.

"Of course. It was harder before, when everyone lived in Ann Arbour or Chicago together and I couldn't get out to see them as often. But now with Joey living here and everyone visiting as frequently as they do now...its easier. Plus Glee's a nice family to be apart of", he turned to look at me. "Its okay to grow attached to us – we're not going to leave you too".

That hit home. He knew everything. In that moment I realised he noticed everything about me – how much id been avoiding becoming too friendly with the cast. How I missed everything and everyone from home. He saw it all.

And it scared the crap out of me.

I sat up. "Its getting kinda late", I said to him.

"What is it a school night or something?". I forced a laugh. Darren sighed,

"Don't do that. Don't shut down from me. Please". I couldn't even think of a response. Guys were usually so unobservant. It unnerved me to have one who noticed stuff.

We headed back to the car, the mood of the night changed again. It had been a long time since I'd felt so emotionally exhausted. Darren flipped the radio on and the elephant in the car was ignored the whole way home. He pulled up in front of my house and I turned to him. "Thanks-"

"I'll walk you to the door", he said getting out of the car. What was it with this boy and walking me to the door? Friends always just dump you on the side of the road.

I followed him out, hesitating at the door. "Emma, I like you", Darren blurted out. I stood still, the blood pounding in my ears. "And I want to take you on a real date", he said, taking a step towards me. I'd never noticed how intimidating he could be before. His and reached up and brushed some hair behind my ear. I paused. He was going to kiss me. This time I didn't move, my eyes fluttering shut slightly.

Someone cleared their throat and we both turned, faces inches from each other.

"Hello Nick".


	6. Lost and Found

Nick, Callum and I perched awkwardly on the couch. No one spoke. Darren decided he would just go home, telling me that he'd call me. I'd wished I'd been able to escape with him – this was not my idea of a good finish to tonight.

"So", Callum started but never finished his sentence. I glanced over at Nick, who was staring at his hands.

"Well, you said you wanted to talk, so...", I said to him. Nick glanced over at Callum.

"I'll give you two some privacy then, shall I?", Callum said and walked towards the kitchen. I don't even know why he bothered – he knew I'd tell him everything later anyway.

It took Nick a few minutes but he eventually spoke. "How have you been?", he asked and I just shrugged. There was silence again. "I tried calling you a couple times the past few days", he said. I nodded. I had ignored those calls and never gotten round to returning them.

"Okay, well I guess the real reason I'm here is, its my birthday next week and I'm having this party – nothing too big – and...and I want you to be there". He reached into his coat and handed me an invitation. I glanced over it and put it to one side.

"I'll think about it", was all that I could manage. Nick looked at me – really looked at me in a way he hadn't in a very long time.

"What happened Emma? We used to at least be friends? Can we not go back to even that?". No, I thought, we were never friends. You were an arrogant ass whole who thought I was too much of a freak to date – at least publicly anyway.

"I guess", I said to him.

"That was a plus one invite, so um...feel free to bring...you know, whoever", He said glancing towards the door.

I stood up. "I said I'd think about it", I said, sharper than I'd intended. Nick took the hint and stood up as well.

"Okay. I really hope you come", he said with some sincerity I hadn't heard in a while.

"Nick", I called out and he turned back to me. "Thank you – for the invite. Really". He just smiled and nodded, letting himself out. As the door clicked shut, I sank back into the couch, flipping the invite over in my hands.

I thought back to the moment we had ended. Nick had been in London for the Les Miserables anniversary concert and I flew out to visit him a few days before it was on. As I arrived at my hotel room, I received ten or so texts, all saying the same thing, "Have you seen the news?". E! News was reporting that Nick had been caught the night before with his co-star Samantha Barks. A picture of them kissing flashed in front of my face as I sunk onto my bed.

It took me a few hours to even process what they were saying.

And then the anger hit. How dare he? And even worse – to not tell me himself? To find out from a gossip site? He rung my phone almost constantly and when I did eventually pick up, I could barely speak to him and anything that did make it out was spat out with venom. I told him it was over and never to speak to me again.

Of course he turned up at the hotel room begging me to understand. It hadn't meant anything, had been a mistake. I responded by slapping him and slamming the door in his face. He was lucky I hadn't kneed him in the groin.

I stayed for the concert then went home. I was still never sure why I stayed. I guess part of me still wanted to support him. And by home I meant my real home – Scotland. After a couple weeks surrounded by just my closest friends and family I headed back for the second part of the tour in South America with the group. I would be lying if I said I had been okay. Those three weeks were a strange blur of parties and alcohol until the incident with Demi snapped me out of my self pity slump. It was Papa J that suggested maybe I take some time out in Chicago with Demi, deal with everything. I was glad that I did, it had helped me a lot.

I did seek some therapy while there – nothing like Demi's – but just enough to get me through everything that had happened. But I was dealing with it much better now – well that was until I had to see Nick and it was like we had just broken up all over again. It wasn't the healthiest way of dealing with my emotions – repressing them until I had no choice but to face them – but it was the only way I could keep a handle on them.

But that was then. I wasn't that same person any more. I'd grown into myself more, become more confident in my situation. I looked down at the invite in my hand. I could deal with this too.

There was one thing that was bothering me now though. Darren. That little trip down memory lane had made me remember what it was like to work with an ex. I couldn't do that, not again. God he was going to think I was bipolar. Oh well, I'm sure he wouldn't be alone for too long. Not looking the way he did any way.

Callum came in and sat next to me. "What you thinking about?", he asked.

"I can't date Darren and I don't want to go to Nicks party".

"So what _do _you want?".

"To go to work, do my job, come home and eat pizza", I told him. He just laughed. "What? It _is_ what I want".

He shook his head at me, "No its not. I've seen the way you look at Darren. Its okay to like him, you know. Not everyone will cheat on you".

"No maybe not. But I don't think I could survive working again with someone who has broken my heart". Callum pulled me in for a hug.

"Maybe he won't break your heart though". I just shrugged. People always leave, right? And the way his career was going, he had already been thrust so brightly into the spotlight, it wouldn't be too long before he didn't have any spare time to himself. And on top of suffering a horrid break-up, I'd also played second best to someone's career. Both scenarios that I wasn't in a rush to relive.

I said my good nights to Callum and headed off upstairs, snuggling down into bed, flicking through the crap on the tv when my phone rang. Darren, of course. I debated just letting the call go to voice mail but when it didn't ring off, I muted the TV and took a deep breath before answering the call.

"Hey", I said, quietly into the phone.

"Hi". A pause. "So...how are you?", he asked carefully.

"What you mean after you almost kissed me and my ex showed up out of the blue to have a nice chat? Oh, you know, totally awesome", I drawled sarcastically into the phone. Darren laughed, instantly dispelling any tension that had been in his voice before.

"Well I actually meant after going to a concert where no one noticed you. Your ego isn't too bruised I hope". I laughed, happy to find we could still talk to each other. "But seriously, I'm hear if you want to talk about it".

I hesitated. "He invited me to hi birthday next weekend", I told Darren.

"The bastard", he quipped back and I couldn't help the laugh that exploded from me. "You going to go?". I shrugged into my empty room.

"I have not idea". Darren breathed in and I could tell he was gearing up to something.

"Well...if you really didn't want to and needed an excuse, I'm going to be in New York next weekend filming my first scenes for Imogene. You'd be welcome to escape with me for a while?". I pulled the edge of the blankets and watched the images flicker across the screen of the TV. "Emma, about tonight – the almost kiss thing – I'm sorry. I was out of line. You told me you just wanted to be friends and for some reason, I have this incessant need to push people until I get what I want. I'm sorry that I put you in that position", he said all in one breath. It sounded rehearsed, like he had planned what he was going to say to me before he called me. "But I meant it when I offered New York. Just as friends. We'd have separate hotel rooms and everything", he said and I could hear the grin in his voice.

A chance to escape an ex boyfriends party where his gorgeous girlfriend would be in attendance? Sold. "Sure, okay", I told him.

"Yeah? Aww, awesome! I can show you all my old stomping grounds there", he said, suddenly sounding like a hyperactive 3 year old. I smiled glad that I didn't have to be the one to say that I didn't want to date him. Mainly because I did want him, so bad. Maybe taking some time in New York with him would give me the reassurance to move forward with him? Maybe it wouldn't but for now I was quite happy listening to him describe some movie he was watching. I flicked through the channels until I found what he was talking about and watched it with him. I didn't even remember drifting off to sleep.


	7. Before The Storm

I was still packing for the flight when the doorbell rung. I grabbed the pile of clothes strewn on my bed and carried them downstairs to where I had left my suitcase. "It's open", I yelled at the door. Darren stuck his head round.

"Way to be organised", he said, eyeing the pile I dumped on top of the case. "You realise we're just going for the weekend, right?". I laughed sarcastically at him, and sat on the case, trying to close it over on the jumble that I didn't have time to fold. "What do you still have to do?", he asked.

"Just pack a flight bag. And call Nick and tell him I won't be here this weekend". I avoided Darren's eyes. He had been asking all week if I'd told him yet. I said I would do it eventually but there never seemed to be a right time to bring it up. Darren crossed the room to me, taking my hands and waiting until I looked up at him.

"I'll pack this, you go call Nick". I sighed and nodded. I wanted to just send him a text, but Darren wouldn't let me. Something about if he had the balls to come ask me in person then I should at least phone him to tell him I was running away to New York this weekend to avoid him.

I went into my office and closed the door, pretending I didn't see Darren watching me. I dialled Nicks number and counted the rings. He only let it ring five times which I analysed meant that he wasn't trying to avoid me. I used to just let Nicks calls ring out.

"Hey", he said sounding surprised. I don't know if it was that I hadn't been the one to call him in over 5 months or that I still had his number.

"Hey, um listen", _do it like a band aid,_ I thought to myself. "Um...I can't make it to your birthday this weekend. I totally forgot that I told someone I'd go to New York with them this weekend". There was silence on the other end of the phone. A large amount of silence. The silence that makes you feel like you're being judged. Close on a minute went by before he answered me.

"Okay...when do you leave?". I hesitated. There was no point lying but the truth sounded so bad.

"In about five minutes". The silence was back. "I'm sorry, I was meaning to call you all week but...I forgot". It sounded even worse out loud than it did in my head.

"Emma", Nick started, his voice heavy with exasperation. "Have fun", he finished with a sigh and hung up the phone before I could say goodbye. I stood for a moment wondering what it was, that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I was halfway out the door with Darren before I realised what it was – guilt.

I thought about it the whole way to the airport. I was confused as to when my feelings shifted from complete hatred to the ability to feel compassion for Nick again. I jumped slightly when Darren reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Where's your head at?", he asked softly so the driver wouldn't hear. I shrugged and continued to frown at the window.

I wasn't sure how I felt about the realisation that I didn't hate Nick any more. I mean we'd been apart quite some time now. It was defiantly a good thing – except now I was feeling guilty about missing his birthday. But I still wouldn't have wanted to go to his party and see him with someone else. There was a pang that I knew fine well was jealousy. I suppressed that feeling as quickly as possible. Not hating him was one thing – still caring about him? That was a whole Pandora's box that did not need opened again. I made a conscious effort to stay out of my thoughts.

Darren was a good distraction for keeping you in the present. When you needed him to, he could talk for hours. And hours. And hours. In fact the whole plane ride I don't think he stopped for air once.

We collected our bags and headed out to the front of the airport. "I've just realised you never told me what hotel we were staying at", I said to him as we walked along. He turned to me grinning.

"Well I thought we could experience New York as it was supposed to be experienced", he said cryptically. "Hey, Joe!", Darren called out to someone a few feet away. I looked over and recognised one of his college friends, Joe Moses. I wasn't sure if Nick Lang let slip that I knew the whole Potter Musical thing yet, so I decided to go with blissful ignorance and pretend I had no idea who he was.

Joe walked over to us, smiling at Darren. "Joe, this is Emma. Emma – Joe", Darren said after hugging his friend. I gave an awkward smile that turned to uncomfortable after Joe said,

"Ahh, Emma. Darren has talked about you. A lot". I busied myself with my suitcase, avoiding all eye contact until the blush in my cheeks had faded and even then as Joe lead us out to his car, I stayed a couple of footsteps behind them.

I happily settled myself in the back seat and prepared for the hour long drive against traffic into the city. "So, Um...I thought we'd just stay at Joe's house since, its only for the weekend. You know – see how real New Yorkers live", Darren said, turning round from the passenger seat.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I had lived with my friend at her college dorm for two weeks and knew exactly how the young live in New York. I stared out the window, my anticipation growing the further into the city we got. In fact, I was almost so excited, I almost missed the almost silent conversation going on in the front seat.

"I'm sorry man, once she heard you were coming to town – there wasn't much I could do", Joe told Darren.

"Its okay. I mean, we're still friends...I guess. She was okay last time we talked". My heart started beating faster than normal in my chest. Were they talking about Mia? I knew Darren's ex lived in the city but it never even entered my head that I would see her.

I was confused at my sudden worry at meeting Darren's ex-girlfriend. I mean, its not like he and I were dating. Just friends. I sighed a little to deeply, trying to dispel some of the tension that was starting to build in my chest. "You okay?", Darren said, catching my eye in the window. I plastered a fake smile on my face.

"Course", I said, my voice three pitches too high. I came to New York to escape my ex and ran right into Darren's. I believe this was what people commonly refereed to as karma and I had the feeling that the only one who was likely to be a bigger bitch than it this weekend, was Mia.


	8. Unopened Letters To The World

Joe's apartment was what could be described as comfortable. It was nothing too extravagant but enough to know he was at least getting along semi-successfully in his work. I perched awkwardly on the end of a couch, Darren sprawled out; the picture of comfort. Joe put our cases in what was to be our room for the weekend and sat on a chair opposite us.

"So Dare, I know you've got your whole movie star thing to do this weekend", Joe said to Darren and I smiled at their easy banter but was caught off guard when Joe turned to me and asked, "What are your plans this weekend, Emma?".

I hesitated, "Umm...". Truth was, I hadn't thought much about what I would actually be doing this weekend other than escaping from L.A. Darren and Joe continued to look at me expectantly. "I have some family in Jersey that I'll go visit – and some old summer camp friends go to university here", I said eventually.

"University?", Joe said.

"We call them colleges here, Emma", Darren said grinning. I felt too wound up to care at them taking the piss, so I just shrugged my shoulders. I avoided looking at Darren knowing he would have that stupid look of concern on his face again. I couldn't deal with a whole weekend of him glancing at me like I was on my death bed.

Instead I got up and walked over to the window, looking out on the block below. It seemed like a quiet street – well quiet by New York's standards. Up the block I could see a few stores, a couple of coffee shops, everything you needed to give off an urban neighbourhood vibe. It was nice. I always thought if I was to move to New York it would be somewhere out of the direct hustle of the center of Manhattan Island. Maybe even Jersey? Kevin and Danielle seemed to have settled pretty well out there. I'd not seen them in a while and felt pretty guilty that they'd be in L.A. This weekend while I was here.

"Anyone want something to eat?", Joe asked. "We could go out, or order in – your choice". There was a prolonged silence in the room and I realised they were waiting on my input.

"Would you mind if we stayed in tonight? I'm quite tired after that flight", I told them.

They both muttered in agreement and Joe went off to find his take-away menus. I saw Darren's reflection in the glass as he came up behind me, gently wrapping his arms around my waist. "You've been so quiet all day", he said, lowering his head to my shoulder. I moved my hands so they were interlocked with his, both resting on my stomach. I guess that was my way of letting him know I wasn't shutting him out; whether or not he understood it was another thing.

"I...", I started but didn't know how to finish. In all honesty I wasn't even sure what the hell was wrong with me. I just felt all day like...like hiding away. Curling up in a tight ball and not having to deal with anyone. I hadn't felt this way in a very long time and last time – it was bad. Eating disorder bad.

Demi wasn't the only one getting treatment after that tour.

But standing here, with Darren just – just being there. It was better. It was what I needed. I didn't know how to tell him that, or how to let him in. It was my practise nowadays to shut as many people out as possible. It hurt left when they left. In in the end, every one leaves.

When Joe cleared his throat behind us and Darren was letting me go, I wanted to pull him back to me. It felt safe in his arms. Of course, we were "just friends". We poured over the take-out menus, deciding on Chinese food. It wasn't exactly my favourite but I had yet to find good Indian food in this city.

I sat back on the couch, feeling slightly more relaxed that I wouldn't have to make any sort of effort tonight. It was also helped by the fact that Joe had run to the store for some beer and Darren was making sure his things were set out for his first day on set tomorrow. I made a mental note to tease him later about being nervous for his first day on set tomorrow and lay back on the couch. As the remote slid from my hand, it slowly dawned on me that I was falling asleep and was far too comfy to do anything about it.

When my eyes slowly opened back up, there was a blanket over me. The TV drowned on in the background and Darren and Joe talked quietly to each other. "But you've not been on a real date since-".

"Since we broke up yeah. But I don't know", Darren sighed, "I guess I'm just hoping...", I felt his arm curl over my legs.

"You like her. A lot. Does she know?", Joe asked. I tried to slow my breathing back down. I had heard far too many conversations I wasn't supposed to but they always seemed to give interesting results. And this one seemed like one I could do with hearing.

"Yeah. I mean, I have told her. But every time we get too close – she shuts down, pulls away. Her friend told me its just what she does and that if I really want to be with her...that I should just be here". Friend? Callum maybe. I tried to remind myself to ask him about it.

"Be here?".

"Yeah, like, prove to her I'm not going to leave her. Like I could, if I wanted to. Some days she just seems so...vulnerable". There was a lull in the conversation and I wondered if I should 'wake-up'. I stretched slowly, kicking Darren in the process. I pulled the blanket down from around my face and slowly got up, rubbing my eyes. I spotted the food on the table and faked being annoyed at them for not waking me.

I filled a plate and ate, while the conversation turned to what every one had been up to last since Darren had seen them. It wasn't really one that I could join in, so I sat back, pretended to listen and mulled over the one I had overheard. I wondered if I should bring up the conversation to Darren. I mean I loved being with him - I just didn't want to be with him.

We decided to call it a night, Darren having to be up early, me just being in love with sleep, and headed through to the room. I suddenly felt shy and awkward. I mean, sure I'd shared a bed with him before but I hadn't really realised until I woke up hungover the next morning. It was strange being aware that I was sharing a bed. I took my things to the bathroom, delaying as long as possible before I would have to go back to the room. I wished I had went to bed earlier - or hoped that he would already be asleep, or at least faking it - by the time I got in.

Of course that would mean that I was lucky. By the time I got in the room, Darren was lying in boxer shorts and a t-shirt on top of the bed going over the call sheet for tomorrow. I played about with my clothes, folding them back into the case. When there was nothing else for it, I turned towards the bed, suddenly very conscious at my choice to wear shorts as well. But the summer had been hot and I didn't want to be restless all night due to overheating.

Darren must of sensed my hesitancy, as he pulled back the covers and patted the bed, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at me. I laughed, feeling stupid. I mean, I shared beds with friends all the time - sure they were either females or gay males, but was it really that much of a difference. I slid into bed, sitting up, suddenly feeling far too awake to ever get to sleep. New York tended to have this effect on me. I was restless and wanted to go wandering. The feeling would pass eventually, but for now it was a constant battle to fight the urge to head outside. I lifted Darren's script up instead and read over the scene he would be doing tomorrow.

It seemed like quite a funny scene, the two were at a coffee shop discussing what a wreck her life was. I looked up from the pages to see him staring at me. He took a deep breath and started to say something but stopped himself. I raised my eyebrows but said nothing. Recalling the conversation I overheard earlier, I chose not to say anything, not wanting to open that Pandora's box. Darren shook his head and put the papers down, getting up to double check his things were laid out for the morning and climbed into the bed beside me.

I tried to ignore the fact that I could feel his body heat or that his bare leg was inches away from mine. I rolled over onto my side, my back to him, curling up into a ball. He leaned over and switched his light off, sliding down into the covers. "Goodnight Emma", he said softly and my stomach clenched. I couldn't explain it.

"Night Dare", I said, calling him that for the first time. I could feel his smile in the dark.


	9. Crash Into You

I woke up and the room was still dark. I was confused for a moment where I was till it dawned on me I was in bed. With Darren. Curled into his side. My head was laying on his chest and my arm wrapped round his waist, grabbing the side of his t-shirt. He had both arms wrapped tightly round me, clasped together at my waist.

I lay still, listening to his steady breathing. I didn't want to move away from him but I didn't want him to wake up with us like this. Not after his confession tonight. I slowly pulled away from him, trying not to disturb him.

I woke him anyway. Not enough that he was fully conscious, but he still muttered in his sleep. "No, don't". It was almost enough to make me curl back up next to him.

"Shh", I said quietly, "I'll be back in a minute". I grabbed my phone from the bedside cabinet and my purse from the floor and crept out to the living room.

It was 4am, Darren would be getting his wake up call in an hour or so. I didn't know what to do - go back to bed or sit here awkwardly until he came out and asked what was wrong. I made a split second decision, running back into the room for my jeans and a hoodie, picked up a set of keys Joe had left out for us and headed outside.

There was a chill in the air and the sun hadn't come up yet. The streets were pretty empty but I walked up to where I saw a few stores yesterday. There was a small coffee shop just opening up so I walked in. "Hey, I'll be with you in just a minute", a girl said from behind the counter.

"No problem", I told her and sat down in a couch. It was quite a small place, even by New York standards but it had a cosy, local feel to it. Like, even if you lived on the street, you'd come out just to get a coffee to be amongst people.

She came over to take my order and I went with just a black coffee. I cradled my cup and watched her as she set up the store. The world outside was beginning to wake up as I sat still, wishing I could just run away. When things got too much I became very good at running away. I mean, wasn't that the reason I was here in the first place?

I checked my watch and seeing that Darren would be getting his wake-up call in five minutes, I ordered three more coffee's to go and headed back to the apartment, gulping in the cold morning air. I couldn't explain the feeling I had - like a tightening in my chest as if I was suffocating. I balanced the cups carefully and let myself back in.

Darren came rushing out into the living room. "There you are! I've been trying to call you for like ten minutes now". I set the cups down and rummaged through my purse for my phone. Sure enough, there was six missed calls.

"Sorry, it must have been on silent", I said, pulling a cup from the cardboard carrier and handing it to him.

"Where did you go?", he asked, accepting the drink but not drinking it, still staring at me. I picked up a cup from the carrier and shook it at him, before taking a drink from it. It was quite good coffee. "Oh...right", he said, finally drinking from the cup.

I walked away from him and sat back on the couch, still cradling the coffee in my hands. I wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed. Darren walked over and sat next to me. "What time are you getting picked up at?", I asked him, closing my eyes over.

"In five minutes", he said. His arm and leg were lightly resting against mine. It was that familiar comfort I felt when I was around him. It was nice just to have him be there. The funny thing was, despite overhearing his conversation last night, I never felt pressured around him. He was really good at the just being here thing. "Hey, we should go out tonight", he said suddenly. I opened one eye to turn to look at him.

"Out?".

"Yeah, you know that thing people do, when they hang about with other people in a sociable situation", He said playfully.

"I hate out. And people. And what part of me has ever given the impression that I'm sociable?", I said, shutting my eyes back over. Darren laughed.

"We're going out. Come on, you can't spend the whole weekend in here – not while the city is waiting for you out there". He was also quite good at the persuasion thing.

"Maybe – if I'm not tired", I said eventually. Darren's phone rung and his driver told him he was outside.

"Okay, I have to go. But tonight we're going to have fun. Try to get out today as well – go do some tourist stuff or go for a walk. Just don't sit in here and wallow in the misery that you're not going to your ex boyfriends party", he said quickly, grabbing his things.

"I wasn't going to wallow in misery...it was guilt actually", I muttered. Darren gave me a half smile.

"Either way", he said opening the door to leave.

"Hey, Darren!", I shouted just before the door closed. A minute later it opened back up and Darren stuck his head round the side. "Good luck today – I know you'll kill it". He hesitated for a moment, then quickly crossed the room, kissed my cheek and left.

The door closing seemed to echo all around me as I now felt wide awake and had nothing to do all day but be left with my thoughts, which at the moment, were very dangerous things.


	10. Letting Go

I must have been tired because I woke up four hours later with a stiff neck and a post-it note stuck to my forehead. I pulled it off and read that Joe had gone to work and if I wanted I could meet him up later for lunch. He left his phone number so I texted him and told him that would be great. At least that would give me something to do with my time.

I hadn't made any plans with anyone and felt it would be too rude on such short notice to call people up and ask them if they wanted to hang out. Plus I hoped to spend this weekend as anonymously as possible – one of the great things that a city of eight million people afforded you. However that didn't mean I wanted to spend the whole weekend trapped indoors with nothing but my thoughts to keep my company.

I wandered into the room, tidying things up. I made the bed, put my clothes away, folded Darren's neatly on top of his luggage. I headed into the kitchen, doing up the dishes and straightening things out. After that I headed in for quite possibly the longest shower I had ever taken, hoping the heat would wash away the headache I felt coming on.

When I finally emerged it was almost eleven thirty. I got dressed – nothing much, just jeans and a t-shirt – and plaited my hair down my back. It was as much effort as I wanted to put in; it wasn't like I had anyone to impress this weekend.

I headed out and towards the nearest subway. A lot of people hated it but I always found it fascinating – although I did tend to avoid it late at night, but it being just before midday, it wasn't too overcrowded.

I found a seat and stared out the window into the blackness. The subway had an emptying effect; I couldn't focus on anything, found my mind blank as I stared at the darkness occasionally punctured by the fluorescent lights on the stops. I had to change lines twice but did so on auto-pilot. I had been on enough undergrounds in my time already that I felt comfortable, navigating them with ease.

I finally got off and managed to find my way to the PIT where Joe was setting up some shows for the coming month. The place was practically empty save Joe and a couple other people. The door, however, was open and saved me them embarrassment of trying to flag someone's attention. They all turned towards me as I opened the door and Joe walked over from the stage. I say stage but it was really more of a platform area. "Hey, you made it", he said raising his arms up to what I presumed was going to be a hug but very quickly and very awkwardly turned into a pat on the shoulder. I smiled at him with some amusement as he lead me over to a stool at the bar. "I've just got a couple things to finish up and then we'll head for lunch, okay?".

I smiled and nodded, not sure why I suddenly felt shy. It wasn't as if this was my first time meeting him. And I was perfectly used to meeting people all the time now because of all the bloody awful parties you were expected to show face and 'mingle' at. Their words, not mine. Yet here I was, my hands stuffed uncomfortably under my swinging legs, unable to find my voice.

I watched Joe with some interest, occasionally turning to look at other people who always seemed to be looking away from me at the same time. The uncomfortable feeling grew. The door clattered open noisily behind me and I caught a glimpse of Joe's face before I turned around. It was a mix of exhaustion and wariness. When I finally turned I imagined mine was probably in the same expression.

The girl I knew to be Mia stood in the doorway. I froze as she walked towards me, unsure of how she would react. "Hi, I'm Mia, you must be Emma", she said, extending her hand towards me. I accepted it and tried to return the smile.

Out of all the reactions I was expecting – it wasn't this one. "Hi", I said awkwardly, wondering how she knew my name. Someone must have told her I was going to be here. Joe walked over at the back of us, pulling Mia into a hug.

"Hey, I didn't know you were stopping by?", he said.

"I'm just full of surprises", she said, smiling a very wide, confident smile. I felt like a dying weed next to her, shrinking further into my seat. "I just wanted to check you were still coming to the show tonight? I need names on lists". Joe paused, clearly awkward, glancing over at me. "I mean, you'd be welcome to come too", Mia said, turning to me. "My band, we're putting on a show tonight. I mean, you'd be more than welcome to come", she said, flashing that smile again. The thing that got me the most – how genuine she seemed. Like she really would be happy to have me there. I found myself agreeing to go.

Joe finished up his rehearsal and we headed up the street to a relatively quiet place for lunch. I just ordered a burger and fries, picking at them, no longer feeling hungry. Joe made idle chat with me asking about my friends and family, life in Scotland, what it was like to have moved to America. I was happy to keep up the chat for a while but the questions were nagging, building as the time went on. I didn't care if I had only met Joe the previous day. I had to ask, so as soon as there was a pause in the conversation I blurted out,

"Why did Darren and Mia break up?". Joe hesitated and at first I wondered if he would even answer the question. There was a long pause where I wished I could have taken the words back. After what seemed like an eternity, Joe sighed.

"I think mostly it was the distance. You know, he's tied down in L.A. with Glee and Mia, well her job, her friends, her home is here and neither was willing to compromise. It was just one of those things". Joe never looked at me once whilst telling me this. I couldn't help but feel like he pitied me.

Here I was, 2000 miles from home, in a somewhat fantasy relationship with a guy I worked with, who had recently broken up with someone – it was just...such a mess.

I pushed all of the food to one side of the plate, throwing my napkin over the almost untouched meal. I was done. With it all. I just needed to get through tonight and then I'd start to put some distance between Darren and I. It wasn't healthy for either of us. And it wasn't fair on him. I didn't know what I wanted and he was clearly chasing me in avoidance of his own feelings towards Mia. I needed a break from it all.

Oh the irony that I had though I was running away to New York to avoid the problem, when it had only seemed to have gotten worse since I had came here.


	11. Believe Me, I'm Lying

Darren hadn't seemed too pleased when I told him about going to the show tonight. "I was hoping for more of a quiet night in", he had pouted, claiming he was exhausted after a day of shooting. "Plus I still have to go in tomorrow, and I don't want to turn up unable to deliver my lines because I'm hungover". I turned to him.

"No one said you had to drink tonight", I smiled. "It'll be fine. You don't have to stay late. And they're your friends. You should be supporting them", I said turning back to the clothes in my hands. I was finding tonight difficult to dress for – because I didn't really know the music but mostly I was just so damn nervous about being in a room with them both – and I wasn't sure why. I ended up with a grey tank top and black jeans. Nice but not over dressed.

I dragged my clothes and make-up into the bathroom to get ready, trying to avoid all eye contact with Darren who was almost glaring at me in frustration. I didn't know why I was so determined to go to the show. Maybe to prove to myself that I was okay with Darren and Mia – even though I had decided he was just going to be my friend. I caught my reflection in the mirror and it looked guilty.

I would talk to Darren tonight. It would be fine. Although I wished my brain would tell my stomach that. It was churning uncomfortably with nerves. There was a light tap on the door as I started to get changed. "Yeah", I called out.

"Can I come in?". Darren.

"Bit busy at the moment", I called back out, my top half way over my head. I turned at the sound of the door opening. "Darren!", I screeched out, quickly pulling my top back down. "What the hell are you doing?". He came into the bathroom and closed the door.

"I just...can we talk a moment?". I sighed. Why was it he always anticipated my moves before I had even fully thought them through? I sat down on the edge of the bath as he sat on the toilet seat and I watched him. He was staring at the floor, picking at his hands. "Why do you want to go tonight? Why did you even agree to it?".

I stared up at the ceiling, hoping to find the answers there. "I just thought it would be fun. You know, you get to see your friends, I get to dance a little. Win-win situation", I said, my voice catching at the end. I was a terrible liar. "Plus, I came to New York this weekend to avoid my ex, not yours", I said, hitting closer to the truth. He deserved at least that. "And I don't know – maybe it would be good for you and Mia to talk tonight". I just couldn't help myself.

Darren finally turned to look at me, but I found I couldn't look at him, choosing to watch his reflection in the bathroom mirror instead. "Is that what you want? For us to talk?". It was said so softly, I almost missed it. I offered a shrug instead, suddenly feeling like the walls of the room were closing in on me. There was some movement, and I turned to see Darren kneeling in front of me, not breaking his gaze. I was held there. "Emma, tell me what you want". I felt the blood rush to my head but didn't answer. I stared down at my knees, where Darren was holding on to me. But I said nothing. After a minute or so, he got up and left. I barely breathed as I tried to process what on earth had just happened.

We got to the gig an walked in through the front door, apparently being "on the list". The room was already quite packed but no one paid much attention to Darren except a few whispered comments behind hands and a couple people pointing. Maybe people just weren't as aware as Mia as I though. Darren was a pretty private person when it came to that sort of thing after all. Mia spotted us and came bounding towards us, ever the ball of energy. I had to do a double take when I took in what she was wearing. Black fishnet stockings, black panties and a black bra. That was it. Well, knee high boots as well but they weren't coving up much more than oh say, actual clothes would! I bit the inside of my cheek, feeling guilty for even thinking something so bitchy. It wasn't like she had ever done anything to me personally, yet here I was treating her like some sort of arch nemesis. Well I wasn't treating her like it but I was definitely thinking about it. I decided it would probably be best if I stayed sober tonight and left the conversing group to get a bottle of water from the bar.

Darren followed at the back of me, ordering a couple bottles of beer, glancing down at my water. We hadn't spoken in over an hour now. I still avoided eye contact with him, choosing to only glance at him from the corner of my eyes. I got my bottle and turned, heading back towards the group but stood to the side a bit.

When Darren walked back over, he walked past me to the other side of the group. I was left standing like a spare wheel. His friends came over, musicians I recognised but didn't personally know but he never introduced me. Sure I had been pretty cold with him since but he also knew that besides from him and Joe - who was over talking to his girlfriend - I didn't know anyone else in this room. I sighed and wandered away from the group, towards the back of the room where there were a few tables left.

I pulled out my phone and sent out the text with out a second thought. It wasn't anything too bad, just a simple happy birthday. I mean, he deserved at least that, right? It only took minutes for the thank you reply to come back. At least he didn't totally hate me right now. Maybe severally pissed off at me, but not quite hate.

I sipped the water, scowling at my self control for not buying myself something stronger. I thought about the last time Darren and I had went to a gig together. We had argued then as well. I hoped we would make up soon; I hated fighting with him.

I watched the bands perform on stage, still sitting back at my table alone. Darren was dancing almost manically and I knew this meant he had probably had quite a few to drink. I smiled while watching him and he turned over to look at me. He glared at me for a moment then turned his back on me.

I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as the blood rushed to my face. Was he really _ that_ pissed off at me? I started to get out of my seat, feeling I needed to at least explain earlier but Mia walked over, her band's set finished and Darren pulled her towards him, the pair of them moving out onto the dance floor. I watched in almost silent horror as Darren leaned towards her, giving the softest kiss to her neck. I couldn't handle it. Physically I felt sick but also angry. Only a few hours ago he was virtually telling me...well nothing.

I thought back to this evening. He had only asked what I had wanted – never once saying that he wanted me. Maybe Darren was backing off? I thought back to the conversation I had overheard the other night. The one when he said he would wait. I looked over at Darren and Mia, thinking about how it would be impossible for even a sheet of paper to get between them with the way they were dancing. Clearly he was done waiting.

I left the room, needing to get out of the place, hailing a taxi after just a block of walking. I asked the driver to take me to times square, ignoring the sighs and complaints about how packed it would be on a Saturday night. He took me regardless, and I gave him a bigger tip than usual, feeling kindness would outweigh a bitchy comment.

I grabbed a coffee from Starbucks and walked over to the red stairs, packed with tourists. I sat in the top right hand corner, looking down on the plaza below. For a moment I thought of nothing. I just tried to clear my head and watch the people.

The excitement on the faces was almost touchable. There was an aura that surrounded people just knowing that they were in New York city. The hopes and dreams of some trailed behind them in an almost visible cloud as the circled their heads, trying to take in everything at once. I smiled and thought of the first time I came to New York. That overwhelming desire to be every where at once, yet not wanting to move in case you missed something somewhere else. I was so naive back then, trusting every thing would be better now that I was in America. That being removed from past influences would make everything easier. I could be who ever I wanted to be. I had changed the past year. The only question left to ask was, did I like who I had become?


	12. If I Just Lay Here

I sat there on the steps of times square for god knows how long. A combination of a mild evening, bright billboard lights and the not so far underground subway added with the hundreds of tourists who were still around on this Saturday night left me feeling quite warm, considering my usual lack of clothes.

I wondered how long could sit in my corner people watching until I would inevitably have to check my phone. At least another half hour, anyways, I thought, pulling my legs up to my chest.

People came and went. The square got busy then began to disperse and I guessed it was after 11pm, the Broadway crowds coming and going. I pulled my phone from my bag. 4 voicemails, 10 missed calls and 15 text messages. I sighed. I knew it was irresponsible to just disappear in a city like New York but part of me didn't want to respond to any of them.

I had more than enough money to just check myself into a number of hotels within a 30ft radius. In fact, I could have done that in the first place if I had really wanted to get away. The fact was, I was no longer sure if I had wanted to get away...or spend time with him.

I dutifully picked the phone up and returned one of his calls. It only rung twice before he answered it.

"Where the fuck are you?", Darren yelled down the phone at me. "I have been fucking worried sick about you for the past fucking hour and you wouldn't answer your fucking phone!".

Apparently he was angry.

I held back a sigh and responded, "I'm at Times Square. I...I just needed some air". I could hear his voice soften on the other side.

"What's wrong? What happened?". I shrugged at no one, not entirely sure what exactly was wrong with me and not sure how to answer his questions. "Just wait there, I'll come get you", he said after a moment.

"No!". Silence. I hadn't meant to shout it so forcefully. "I mean, I'll just grab a cab and head to the apartment". I said my goodbyes and gun the phone up, not really wanting to head back straight away. I needed to sort my thoughts out before I went back.

It was 1am and the plaza was finally starting to quiet down. Not empty out, just had less energy to it. People were content to sit and take it in, instead of the frantic chatter that had filled the air half an hour before.

I pulled out my phone and searched Nicks number in the contact book. It took him longer than Darren to answer but he did eventually.

"Hey", he said, somewhat cautiously into the phone.

"Hi. Um...happy birthday", I said no longer sure the call was a good idea. "Can you talk?", I asked, distracted by the noise of the party going on in the background.

"Yeah, give me a sec". I heard him walk across a hall until the noise lessened and eventually sounded muffled in the background. I head him take a deep breath before bringing the phone back to his ear. Jeeze was I really that difficult to talk to? "Everything okay?".

"Um yeah", mostly. "I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I was I missed your birthday".

Nick paused and stuttered slightly before asking me a question I knew he already knew the answer to. "Did you already have this trip planned before I asked you?".

My voice sounded small, guilty, when I told him no. "When you come back...do you - do you think we could grab a coffee? Talk?".

Now it was my turn to hesitate. The truth was, we had never talked. I had shouted. A lot. But we had never sat down and talked after the break up. And I still had a lot of questions that needed answered.

"Sure. Okay, I'll call you when I get back", I told him.

"Um...you sure you don't want me to call you?". He didn't think I would call. Not that I could blame him.

"Nick, I'll call you", I assured him. We said our goodbyes and I knew I now had to go face the music with Darren.

The taxi back to Brooklyn didn't take as long as I would have liked. I debated the subway but first of all, didn't even know if it ran that late and second of all - even I knew that the subway alone at night wasn't the smartest of decisions.

I tried to let myself into the apartment as quietly as possibly hoping that Darren had already passed out somewhere. No such luck as he was sat on the couch looking strangely awake for someone who was quite inebriated last time I saw him. I knew what had to be done, yet part of me didn't want to do it.

"Hey", I said, standing uncomfortably to the side. I could barely even look at him.

"Emma, you can't just keep running off like that". He sounded tired.

"Why? It's worked so well for me every other time", I said laughing a hallow, empty laugh. Running - it was what I did best.

Darren got up from the couch. "You coming to bed?". Here it was. Time for me to break whatever this was.

"Actually, I was thinking maybe it would be best if I just slept on the couch tonight". I stared down at my shoes as Darren sighed heavily.

"Emma...", he started but even he who was so usually chatty was at a loss for words.

"You and Mia - you looked good together tonight", I said, struggling to rein control over my voice. I walked down the hall to the bathroom before I was overcome. You would think for someone who had put up such a protest at dating a guy would be happy when he finally moved on. So why was I feeling nothing but an aching crushing on my chest?

I spent longer than I usually would in the bathroom trying to calm the hysteria threatening to erupt. When I had expertly rid myself of any telling emotions, I left the bathroom for the couch.

A blanket had been left out but the door to the bedroom remained firmly shut.

I don't think I slept at all that night.


	13. I Wanna Go Home

I lay on the couch checking my phone every five minutes or so, willing myself to sleep. I dozed slightly between 4 and 5 am but other than that sleep not just evaded my grasp, but danced tormentingly out of my reach. Or at least that's what I was imagining in my sleep deprived state.

Around 6am I finally gave up and pulled myself into a sitting position. I debated getting up and making coffee but was torn with the thought that it might wake others in the apartment. The last thing I needed was an awkward confrontation in a confined space.

I pondered it over for a moment then nodded to myself in confirmation. I could just catch an early flight home? Darren and I were supposed to fly home this evening leaving him around 6 hours before call time tomorrow. I had a couple days off before i was due back on set. But flights were for sleeping so it was never too much of a concern. But now...money wasn't too much of an issue now and flights weren't too badly priced. Why not? Darren's call time was 10am which meant his alarm would be set for 9-ish. I could go into the room, grab my stuff and just head for the airport. Easy.

Yes, sure I was running away. Again. But really, would either of us want to talk about it this morning? Or if we didn't talk, sit in almost silence? No, I could leave it a few days, till I had had time to think it through. Then - maybe - talk about it.

My heart pounded in my chest as I quietly tried to collect my things from around the house. The majority was in the bedroom but there were still bits and pieces here and there. I dumped them all on the couch and headed for the bedroom.

My heart was beating so loudly in my chest, I was scared that alone could wake Darren. I slowly turned the handle and gently pushed the door open.

Darren was lying face down,spread across the bed, his mouth ajar and breathing quite loudly. I doubted greatly if I would have been able to wake him trying. He was out for the count. Still, I tread quietly just in case taking extra care when hauling my suit case from the room. He barely even stirred.

I walked over to the bedside unit grabbing the rest of my things and paused a moment. I glanced down at him, taking in his image like it was the last time I would see him. His extraordinarily long eye lashes and slightly lopsided mouth that gave him a sort of boyish charm. One of his curls fell on to his face and I reached down to brush it back when his eyelids fluttered open.

"Hey", he said, rather sleepily. I could feel the small, sad smile forming as I barely chocked the word "hi" back to him.

"Emma, about last night-", I cut him off, shushing him.

"It's fine, go back to sleep. You'll need your rest for today". I reached down and brushed the curl back, letting my hand linger on his cheek. He pulled his hand from underneath the blanket and interlaced it with mine. I left mine there until he drifted back into a deep sleep, wondering if he would remember this when he woke later.

Suddenly my flight plans changed. I wasn't due back at work for 4 more days. Plenty of time to go where I suddenly needed to be.

I quickly stuffed my things into my case and wrote a quick note to Darren. I wouldn't be able to call him until sometime later this evening and didn't know if I'd make it with time differences.

I let myself out and hailed a cab on the street, ignoring the drivers huffing at being asked to be taken to JFK.

At the flights desk, I was reasonably lucky to be able to catch a flight that day, although paid a considerable sum for it. It would be worth it though.

The queue through check in then security was frustratingly long and I started to panic that I wouldn't make the flight. I ran down towards the terminal just as final boarding was being called.

"Flight BA 178 JFK to Edinburgh is now at its final boarding call", was blasted around the area as I handed the stewardess my ticket.

"Welcome to British airlines, enjoy your flight", she said handing me back my ticket.

For the first time in almost a year, I was going home.


	14. Runaway

There were very few facilities still open at the tiny airport. Luckily, one of them was a car rental place. One lone, agitated woman sat at a counter, seemingly pissed off at my interrupting her read of a woman's magazine.

"Hi, I'd like to hire a car for a week", I said to her.

"I'd never have guessed", was her heavily accented, sarcastic reply. Well...I was definitely home. "Did you pre-book?", she asked, pulling a ledger towards her.

"No, no I didn't". She sighed heavily and stared at her computer screen, glaring like having to do her job was the biggest injustice of them all.

"This won't be cheap, mind", she said eye balling me. I just shrugged.

The woman eventually found a rental for me and I stood in awkward silence as she arranged for someone to bring it over. She hung up the phone and went back to reading her magazine, leaving me to stand and play with my phone, pretending to be busy. When a man walked towards us, he handed me a set of keys per her grunt and showed me out to the car.

The car was a white VW golf and I sighed inwardly as how white trash or as the natives would call it – chavy - this car made me feel. I smiled at the man as he helped me with my bags and reached in my purse to tip him but he had already headed back to the car waiting to take him back to whatever depot he arrived from. I forgot that tipping wasn't really a thing over here. I had been away far too long.

As I pulled out of the airport car park I almost caused a head on collision from veering over to the wrong side of the road. I really hadn't been prepared for this. I fumbled with the radio station to calm my shaking hands. Driving manual was also somewhat of a frustration and took me ten minutes to get the hang of it again

I drove home slightly faster than I should of but only broke the speed limit once or twice. It was nice to be driving out of a city and not stuck in 2 hour traffic at 8pm. Not to mention how light it still was outside. The sun set at almost the same time of day through out the year in LA. Seasons were a welcome relief.

Around 40 minutes later, I pulled into my street and found a space to park. I just stared at my home. The home I had lived in for almost 10 years before I left for LA. I almost felt like crying but still wasn't quite sure I was really here.

I left my suitcase in the car, not really bothered with much in it and headed for my garden. Two grey cats ran out to great me but then stopped, unsure of the person. "Theo", I called out to one and in recognising my voice, it bounded over to be picked up. They were so spoilt. I carried the cat through the door, dropping it down in the kitchen.

"Becca, is that you?", my Mam called out from her bedroom.

"No it's me", I shouted back. There was silence then the sound of someone quickly getting off a bed.

My Mam rushed into the kitchen/ dining room and just stared at me a moment before pulling me into a hug. I felt my eyes well up and a lump for in my throat but I blinked back the tears as I held onto my mother for the first time in a year. God I had missed her.

"What are you doing here?", she asked, her voice a mix of confusion and happiness.

I shrugged at her, "I just...needed a break". And that was the thing I loved the most about her - she didn't press the issue, just nodded and put the kettle on. She knew I would talk to her eventually.

But for now, I was home, at my table and my mother was making me a cup of tea.

Later that evening I dragged my exhausted body upstairs to my tiny little bedroom I had lived in for 7 years. It felt so comforting looking at the room that had hardly changed in the past 2 years since I had left it. Photos of my friends and my travels were still pinned to the wall, as well as the various postcards I had collected from towns and cities I had visited. Back when it was still exciting and rare to travel.

I loaded up my laptop and tried to work out the time difference between here and New York. As Skype set itself up I noticed the three people I needed to call were fortunately online. I started with the easiest first, Callum, telling him I needed a break and would be home by the end of the week. He was understanding but I felt guilty that I hadn't taken him with me. I wasn't the only one who hadn't been home in a year.

As I clicked Nicks name, I breathed deeply. This would be fine. Really. We were fine. Sort of.

"Hey. Long time since we've done this", he said over the video chat.

"Tell me about it", I said which led to an awkward pause.

"Honesty, I didn't think you'd call me", he said, not looking at his laptop.

"I told you I would. But I can't meet up with you before next weekend", I said quickly.

"Work?", he guessed.

"No. I came home for a bit". I looked up at my photos again. I still referred to here as home.

"You're in Scotland?", he said, confused. I just nodded. "Needed a break?".

I'll say one thing for Nick - he knew me better than I'd like. I just shrugged, not willing to go over it - especially with how tired I was feeling. And I still had an emotionally exhausting conversation to have. I said my goodbyes and promised to meet Nick the following weekend.

I stared at the screen, half hoping Darren would sign out before I could call him. After five minutes of playing about I resigned that I would have to call him. After almost a minute of dialling, he finally answered the call. I was surprised to see he was mid-flight. Technology these days.

"Hey", he said, avoiding the screen. He pursed his lips together and folded his arms across his chest.

He was angry; not that I could blame him really.

"Hi. I take it you got my note?", I asked.

"Your note? Yes, Emma, I got your note". Silence. Damn he was not making this easy.

"I'm sorry I just...I decided to get a different flight", I finished lamely.

"What, and you couldn't wait a few more hours to fly back to LA with me?", he asked, not staring at the screen.

"Yeah, um, I didn't fly to LA", I said quietly but Darren's head snapped up to the screen.

"Where the hell did you go?", he asked, nothing but worry now.

"I just came home for a bit. Needed to spend time with my family. It's been too long", I said, shrugging.

He was quiet for a moment before asking, "Was this weekend really that bad?". I looked up and felt butterfly's in my stomach as I looked into his light hazel eyes.

"No. No it wasn't. I just - I need some time. I feel like I'm constantly becoming this person I'm trying so hard not to be. This bitch who plays with everyone around her. I just need some time with people who know me as just me. Who wouldn't ever see me as anything but Emma". I took a deep breath. That was a hell of a lot of rambling but as I said it, I realised it was true. I was becoming someone almost unrecognisable and I needed to just remember what it was like before the move.

Maybe then I would be grateful for the things - and people - that were in my life.

"I...I don't even know what to say to that", Darren responded. I shrugged.

"I suppose there's not really anything to say". I avoided looking at him but still noticed he was doing likewise. "Um...I better go. It's been a pretty long day", I said to him eventually.

"Oh, yeah sure. I - I guess I'll see you at work then?", he said. I desperately tried to ignore the hurt look he was now wearing.

"Yeah, I'll see you", I said and quickly hung up, not waiting for a response. Part of me didn't understand why I was pushing him away. But honestly? He had become one of my best friends in the short 2 months I had known him. And I knew what it was like to date and then lose someone you cared deeply for. I wasn't willing to go through all that again.


	15. Other Side Of The World

I woke early the next morning – well, early for me – and stared confusedly around the room for a few seconds before being able to place where I was. I lay in my bed staring up at the photos once again. I really needed to do something like this in my house back in LA – the office maybe? A glamorised office, to be perfectly honest. I never really did much work in there. It was much more of a library these days.

I swung my legs out of the bed, heading back downstairs to where my mother and younger sister were both already sat out on the deck in the garden. "Morning", I said, sitting next to them, still half asleep. It was already turning out to be quite a nice day. I was still surprised when Scotland got sunshine; as was the rest of the population.

"Morning", my sister Rebecca said to me. "Mam said that you were home last night but I didn't wanna wake you", she said, leaning down to pick up a cat that had been circling her ankles. I smiled at her.

"Thanks". I turned and watched the other cats chase flies around the garden. I loved this garden, full of honeysuckle, roses and the best part? High hedges that gave complete privacy. I liked being able to sit out here with not a soul – or should I say soulless paparazzi – knowing where I was. "I was thinking of asking a walk down to McDonalds today", I said suddenly. I don't even know where it came from as it certainly hadn't been on my mind 30 seconds ago.

"Really?", my Mam asked me. "I thought you vowed never to go back to that place?".

"No, I believe I vowed I would never work in that place again. And it wasn't always that bad", I said, closing my eyes, desperately trying to find a happy memory about the place. They were few and far between. But time has a funny way of making the bad memories not seem quite so bad any more. And God knows I'd had nothing but time away from that place. Chances were I wouldn't know half the people who still worked there anyway – they always changed every couple of years.

I opened my eyes to see both of them watching me closely. "What?", I asked, sitting up straighter. They both just shrugged. I got up from the chair and headed in for a shower. I didn't like the judgement on their faces. So what if I wanted a trip to McDonalds to see the people who made my life hell. There was nothing wrong with getting some satisfaction seeing them still be in a job they hated whilst you were...running away from yours. Fine, but at least I could pretend I was happier. I was technically an actor after all.

I tried to shut my brain up and not think about how messed up that sounded as I stepped under the warm stream of water.

The store was pretty busy and I was hot and sweaty after taking my old walk down to work. It gave me time to think about some things I needed to – the ones I was avoiding thinking about. I stood in the queue and tried to fix a smile on my face, the closer I got to the counter. And that's when I saw him. I was almost ashamed to admit my heart did a mini flip at the sight of his face. The boy I crushed on for almost two years, who told me he just wasn't attracted me. I meanly wondered if he ever regretted that comment now. "Emma!", someone screamed out my name, and I turned to see one of the girls I actually used to get on with. I walked forward to her till, all eyes on me.

People came over to talk – those who I knew, those I didn't – everyone asking twenty questions. It was very overwhelming. "Why the hell are you back here?", Chris, a manager, asked.

"I'm starting to wonder the same myself", I said, only half serious.

"How long you here for?", he asked, the rest of the customers being virtually ignored.

"End of the week-ish", I told him, giving myself wiggle room, in case someone invited me to something I didn't want to go to.

Five minutes in this place and I was already swamped with a great feeling of dislike. The smell of the burgers alone was enough to send me towards the edge.

"Back already? Everyone always ends up back here", the store manager said to me. He was one of the ones I only occasionally got on with. I just shrugged and smiled. People came home all the time. This wasn't that unusual. Okay, yes, so I had been home a few times already and this was my first visit back to McDonalds. But so what? I was busy.

I didn't know why I found myself making up excuses in my head trying to explain to myself why it way okay to be here. Of course it was okay. I mean, some of the people I still talked to on a semi-regular basis. "Chaos this Thursday, anyone?", I asked to the small crowd that had gathered.

Chaos was the only nightclub within a 15 mile radius that was worth going to – and consequently the only one that anyone ever went to. There was a small cheer in agreement and I actually felt something close to excitement. It would be nice to have a night that was just people I knew before...this. Who knew, it might even be fun?


End file.
